He Consoled Me in the Garden

I wanted to do some long and very insightful post, but I can’t today. I’m so into the mode of “offering it up” that sometimes I forget these crosses I’m carrying are not just solely for me to offer them up. They are not just a share in the Passion of Christ. They are also Christ sharing in my passion.

That night in the Garden, mere hours before the Crucifixion, Jesus sweat blood for the sins of man. It was His shed blood on that Cross that reconciled man to God - the most Ultimate Sacrifice ever made! In the midst of the Salvation plan of God being revealed in real time, Jesus thought of me and felt my pain. That night, He was consoling me in the garden. He is consoling me now. In a mystical way, that agony in the garden is tied to the present. God was totally with me (and still is) sorrowing in my deepest sorrows.

Prayer: Whenever we feel so down console us Lord by making it known You are there. Allow us to experience the oneness You desire with each one of us, so much so that You take upon yourself our burdens and carry them. Your love is so great that You have felt every joy and sadness in our lives. Nothing about us is unknown to You. You are God and know all, including knowing how each feeling feels. Thank you God for loving us that much.

...It's been awhile

"For he says to the snow, 'Fall to the earth' ... He shuts up all mankind indoors ... He it is who changes their rounds, according to his plans ... whether for punishment or mercy, as he commands." Job 37: 6-7, 12-13

 

I often think of this passage whenever it snows. Where I live it seems that we have snow on the ground all throughout winter. To be perfectly honest, I truly do not mind the snow. I am very blessed to have attached to snow the memory of God's Mercy.

 

After having been away from the Catholic Church for 8 years, I started going back to Mass because I felt that my life was a mess without God. It took months to go back to confession. I struggled internally with the sins of my past life and wanting to confess them, and then becoming afraid to go and confess everything I had done. I had a special grace from God in which I knew that He loved me and wanted me back... it was me and my fear holding me back.

 

For months, I compiled a list of all the sins I could remember from the previous 8 years. I'd read different "examination of conscience" booklets and discovered more sins that needed to be absolved. I wanted to be right with God and wanted to confess everything so that I could have a clean slate and continue to pursue my new found relationship with God.

 

After a few months of struggling with myself to head back to confession, the desire to be fully connected again with The Church was too overwhelming. I was going to Mass but was unable to receive The Lord in Holy Communion. I longed to be able to be united with Christ in the way only reception of Holy Communion permits. I knew also that in being in a state of mortal sin, this would be impossible until I received absolution. I begged God not to let me die before I got to confession. He not only let me live, but He opened my heart to be open to His grace to accept the courage to finally get there!

 

It was a Saturday morning, and I remember waking up thinking "Today is THE day. I'm going to confession!" I remember pulling out my list that I had been working on for months. I was studying it so that I would be able to get through it and not miss anything. It was also one last opportunity to add anything I had forgotten.

 

I decided to go to a church that was not my parish. However, I was familiar with the church as it was a parish with perpetual adoration of The Lord. I had spent many lunch breaks there and had become comfortable visiting Jesus in the chapel.

 

The sacrament of penance (confession) was held inside the larger church. I had never been inside there. In fact, they had been working on remodeling it for some time. With the restorations in place, they were ready to offer Mass there that night. I had planned to stay there afterward to attend Mass.

 

When I got inside the church, I was able to easily find the confessionals. The way they were set up, it didn't look as if any priest was there yet. I sat there waiting with much anxiety. Thoughts began to flood my mind... "Is he even coming?","What if I don't get to confess today...I might not have the courage next time". Thankfully, a man walked into the church which broke the chain of anxiety-ridden thoughts I was having. He too was looking to go to confession. From the likes of what he said to me, he seemed to be in a similar position as I. Something heavy was on his chest, and he needed to confess. While he and I chatted about where the priest was, we saw a man - who was not the priest - walk out of the confessional. Based on the observation, we assumed a priest was in the confessional but due to the setup, it just looked empty. I allowed this young man to go ahead of me. I figured, I hadn't been to confession in 8+ years. This might be a while. Maybe he should go first. He went in, and I waited.

 

Within a few minutes, he was finished and now it was my turn. Was I going to chicken out? No. Not this time. I NEEDED to go. I had gotten that far, I might as well go all the way.

 

Now, I will not tell you the content of my confession, but I will tell you it took about 10 minutes. I read the entire list to him. Front and back of a college ruled sheet of loose-leaf paper. EVERY, SINGLE, WORD. Of course there was a lot of crying going on during that reading. When I was finished, I was relieved - not only because I knew I was forgiven, but also because I had a very understanding priest. In that moment I understood in a tangible way what the Latin “In Persona Christi” meant. In that confessional, it was Jesus Himself granting me absolution, forgiving me of my sins, and extending His everlasting Mercy to a poor sinner such as myself.

 

After I left the confessional, I went over to the chapel and thanked God tremendously for his Love and Mercy. (Of course, I also did my penance!) Afterwards, I returned to the church and prepared myself for the sacrifice of the Mass. No words can possibly describe how beautiful it was to worthily (meaning free of mortal sin) receive Jesus Christ truly present – body, blood, soul, and divinity – at Communion. NO WORDS AT ALL.

 

When I was sent forth from Mass ending, I was still a mixed bag of emotions. I was happy, still a little nervous, filled with peace and joy… My emotions were everywhere. I thought life couldn’t get any better. God and I were back together, and now I had to keep my end of the bargain.

 

You may wonder, what does any of this have to do with the verse from Job? Ok, I’m getting there…

 

Upon walking out of the church, I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was snowing. While being at Mass for a hour, about a half an inch of snow coated everything. The cars, the trees, the parking lot. White. Everything was covered in white. It hit me. This was a gift. The snow was not in the forecast for that evening. God had allowed it to snow to show me this is what He did for me in my soul that evening in the confessional. Deep within my being, I knew that this snow was just for me. God loved me so much, he tailored this gift just for me! (By the way, God loves everyone this much that He gives gifts to all…we just need to open our eyes to see them sometimes!)

 

To this day when I see snow, I am reminded of His Mercy and Love.

 

There is always a reason for the snow that God sends. It could be a confirmation. It could be a sign. It could be a way to prevent His beloved from making a bad or sinful decision. It may be His way to help us refocus on what really matters in life – to change our plans to His plans…

 

Next time it snows, think about what God is trying to say through it…

 

Prayer:

 

God you are the doctor and healer of souls. Thank you for the gift of the Sacraments which provide us with the medicine of Your Grace to heal our spiritual wounds.

 

God grant the courage and consolation to those souls struggling with coming to you for Mercy. Give them the peace to know you love them and desire for them to be united to You.

 

I also ask you to keep close those that that have made the journey back and those that have never left.

 

Allow all to know Your unending love for each soul You have created. Inspire us to frequent the Sacraments so that we can maintain a life of Grace through You.

Lessons in Ordinary Life

I originally started this blog due to the encouragement of my now husband, Joe, when I was teaching a 4th grade catechism class at my childhood grade school. Over a year has gone by since I've done anything with the blog... and by anything, I mean nothing.

This morning while getting ready for work, Joe, so graciously reminded me of the blog when we saw our cat, Biscuit, doing something interesting. As Joe and I are beginning to put our home in order, I have laid a crucifix at the bottom of our bed with the intention of hanging it in the bedroom. It has been sitting there for a while as I've been trying to figure out the best location for it. This morning, Biscuit, decided to cuddle close to it.

You see everyday life, no matter how grandiose or mundane, is a call to learn a lesson from God. Today He decided to reinforce a lesson through none other than Biscuit.

Since prior to our wedding in June and for the months following, there has been a lot of rocky roads we've had to travel. I can tell you that this has not been the typical "we just got married honeymoon" phase. Instead, we've been gifted with a series of trials - and yes, I used the word gifted.

I've realized that more and more, suffering is a gift. It's an invitation to be closer to our Lord - to become more like him through everyday experiences - some of which are painful. Whether it be waiting at a red light, helping a child with homework, losing a parent, losing a job, whatever, God is always present. He's waiting for us to take Him up on his offer of love - to carry our cross and be transformed in the process.

We have a choice. Do we cling to it or run from it?

God's wisdom is a mystery. Although I have many questions, I choose to trust in Him. He is my Creator and knows exactly how I need to be molded for my own salvation. The sandpaper of everyday life is exactly what is needed to rub off my rough edges and conform me to be more Christ-like. Running only prolongs the suffering but when facing it head-on with the grace of God, it can be managed. I just have to remember to make the choice to accept His grace and move forward through hellish times and not so hellish times. Progress doesn't happen by standing still (at least not while you are standing in what feels like hell).

Prayer:
Thank you Jesus for these trials. Please help me to be more open to your grace to accept them and embrace the gift in which you have called me to be closer to Yourself.