...It's been awhile

"For he says to the snow, 'Fall to the earth' ... He shuts up all mankind indoors ... He it is who changes their rounds, according to his plans ... whether for punishment or mercy, as he commands." Job 37: 6-7, 12-13

 

I often think of this passage whenever it snows. Where I live it seems that we have snow on the ground all throughout winter. To be perfectly honest, I truly do not mind the snow. I am very blessed to have attached to snow the memory of God's Mercy.

 

After having been away from the Catholic Church for 8 years, I started going back to Mass because I felt that my life was a mess without God. It took months to go back to confession. I struggled internally with the sins of my past life and wanting to confess them, and then becoming afraid to go and confess everything I had done. I had a special grace from God in which I knew that He loved me and wanted me back... it was me and my fear holding me back.

 

For months, I compiled a list of all the sins I could remember from the previous 8 years. I'd read different "examination of conscience" booklets and discovered more sins that needed to be absolved. I wanted to be right with God and wanted to confess everything so that I could have a clean slate and continue to pursue my new found relationship with God.

 

After a few months of struggling with myself to head back to confession, the desire to be fully connected again with The Church was too overwhelming. I was going to Mass but was unable to receive The Lord in Holy Communion. I longed to be able to be united with Christ in the way only reception of Holy Communion permits. I knew also that in being in a state of mortal sin, this would be impossible until I received absolution. I begged God not to let me die before I got to confession. He not only let me live, but He opened my heart to be open to His grace to accept the courage to finally get there!

 

It was a Saturday morning, and I remember waking up thinking "Today is THE day. I'm going to confession!" I remember pulling out my list that I had been working on for months. I was studying it so that I would be able to get through it and not miss anything. It was also one last opportunity to add anything I had forgotten.

 

I decided to go to a church that was not my parish. However, I was familiar with the church as it was a parish with perpetual adoration of The Lord. I had spent many lunch breaks there and had become comfortable visiting Jesus in the chapel.

 

The sacrament of penance (confession) was held inside the larger church. I had never been inside there. In fact, they had been working on remodeling it for some time. With the restorations in place, they were ready to offer Mass there that night. I had planned to stay there afterward to attend Mass.

 

When I got inside the church, I was able to easily find the confessionals. The way they were set up, it didn't look as if any priest was there yet. I sat there waiting with much anxiety. Thoughts began to flood my mind... "Is he even coming?","What if I don't get to confess today...I might not have the courage next time". Thankfully, a man walked into the church which broke the chain of anxiety-ridden thoughts I was having. He too was looking to go to confession. From the likes of what he said to me, he seemed to be in a similar position as I. Something heavy was on his chest, and he needed to confess. While he and I chatted about where the priest was, we saw a man - who was not the priest - walk out of the confessional. Based on the observation, we assumed a priest was in the confessional but due to the setup, it just looked empty. I allowed this young man to go ahead of me. I figured, I hadn't been to confession in 8+ years. This might be a while. Maybe he should go first. He went in, and I waited.

 

Within a few minutes, he was finished and now it was my turn. Was I going to chicken out? No. Not this time. I NEEDED to go. I had gotten that far, I might as well go all the way.

 

Now, I will not tell you the content of my confession, but I will tell you it took about 10 minutes. I read the entire list to him. Front and back of a college ruled sheet of loose-leaf paper. EVERY, SINGLE, WORD. Of course there was a lot of crying going on during that reading. When I was finished, I was relieved - not only because I knew I was forgiven, but also because I had a very understanding priest. In that moment I understood in a tangible way what the Latin “In Persona Christi” meant. In that confessional, it was Jesus Himself granting me absolution, forgiving me of my sins, and extending His everlasting Mercy to a poor sinner such as myself.

 

After I left the confessional, I went over to the chapel and thanked God tremendously for his Love and Mercy. (Of course, I also did my penance!) Afterwards, I returned to the church and prepared myself for the sacrifice of the Mass. No words can possibly describe how beautiful it was to worthily (meaning free of mortal sin) receive Jesus Christ truly present – body, blood, soul, and divinity – at Communion. NO WORDS AT ALL.

 

When I was sent forth from Mass ending, I was still a mixed bag of emotions. I was happy, still a little nervous, filled with peace and joy… My emotions were everywhere. I thought life couldn’t get any better. God and I were back together, and now I had to keep my end of the bargain.

 

You may wonder, what does any of this have to do with the verse from Job? Ok, I’m getting there…

 

Upon walking out of the church, I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was snowing. While being at Mass for a hour, about a half an inch of snow coated everything. The cars, the trees, the parking lot. White. Everything was covered in white. It hit me. This was a gift. The snow was not in the forecast for that evening. God had allowed it to snow to show me this is what He did for me in my soul that evening in the confessional. Deep within my being, I knew that this snow was just for me. God loved me so much, he tailored this gift just for me! (By the way, God loves everyone this much that He gives gifts to all…we just need to open our eyes to see them sometimes!)

 

To this day when I see snow, I am reminded of His Mercy and Love.

 

There is always a reason for the snow that God sends. It could be a confirmation. It could be a sign. It could be a way to prevent His beloved from making a bad or sinful decision. It may be His way to help us refocus on what really matters in life – to change our plans to His plans…

 

Next time it snows, think about what God is trying to say through it…

 

Prayer:

 

God you are the doctor and healer of souls. Thank you for the gift of the Sacraments which provide us with the medicine of Your Grace to heal our spiritual wounds.

 

God grant the courage and consolation to those souls struggling with coming to you for Mercy. Give them the peace to know you love them and desire for them to be united to You.

 

I also ask you to keep close those that that have made the journey back and those that have never left.

 

Allow all to know Your unending love for each soul You have created. Inspire us to frequent the Sacraments so that we can maintain a life of Grace through You.